God Made Me Do It: The Christmas EP

With half an eye on history
And half an ounce of hope
Sold his soul in the vestry
Money for old rope
Been this way a million times
But now his time is nigh
He steps into the spotlight
He wants to say ’hi
Hello, we’re so glad you came
You’ve never seen me before’
He’s so ambitious, he’s so game
But yesterday he was dressed the same
Then he was so much easier to ignore
Here Comes The Groom
But the world’s not an inn and there isn’t any room for you
But here he comes

He married into money
Just to kiss and tell
He ripped the contract open
He’s out of his shell
He looks into a mirror
Practising his poise
But it reflects so badly
The groom just gets annoyed
He gasps, he forgets his lines
He’s never done that before
The scientists say he’s doing fine
This fumbling frantic Frankenstein
Soon he’s gonna do the dinosaur
Here Comes The Groom

His fingers are on the cliff edge
His head is going under
Is that applause?
No that’s just thunder....
Why do you keep saying I do?
What does the bride mean to you?

Play me some Puccini
Make it heavy on the strings
Walk me to the altar
The choir can’t even sing
Right side for the photographs
Left side for the kids
God made me do it
So that’s what I did
He coughs, loosens his bow-tie
You’ve never seen him before
He kisses the bride, oh you know why
Love’s one more thing you can buy
He was unfaithful before he went outdoors
(and now he’s in the graveyard)
Here Comes The Groom...

Well, I flew to LA for the very first time
I met Howie Klein and Seymour Stein
They said “Wes, we do this Christmas thing And we get all the acts to sing”
I said: “What do you want?
You want a cover of Winter Wonderland or something?”
They said “Do what you like”
So this is called “Talking Christmas Goodwill Blues”
And this is how it goes…
Christmas comes but once a year
364 days to get yer arse in gear
And he’s a sucker, he’s a fool
The man who don’t revere the yule
So this Christmas it’s just me and you
And a large helping of sweet baby Jesus
May all your Christmases be very white
And your boxing days be outta sight
But spare a thought when you give the gifts
For the people doing Christmas shifts
Because Christmas is a time for giving
Like lifetime is a time living
Well they say that money’s taking over
And no one wants a cheap pullover
They say that when any bell rings
One of God’s children gets his wings
Talking of wings, there’s a sign in LAX
That says “495 shopping days till the Christmas after this one!”
Buy now, cry later
So deck your halls with mistletoe
Save your cents and hope it snows
And watch some old films on TV
But don’t knock down the Christmas tree
You’ll be picking up pine needles in July
That’s a universal truth unfortunately
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings
Four calling birds,
Three French hens
Two turtle doves…
And her apartment’s in a big mess
And the ASPCA’s not too happy either
So I’m behind the speakers over here
Wishing you a hip hop happy new
A wicked Christmas and the coolest yule
If you’re by a fire or in a swimming pool
John Wesley Harding’s the name and this is the groove
He was never known to make a foolish move
Watch out for the record when it hits the shelves
Happy Christmas Enjoy your elves!

The doors they’re all now closing
The shutters drawing too
Guess it’s you and me left alone at last
Both looking for someone to shoot
Me with the empty threats of nowhere words
You wear your kid gloves
At the very moment when we cracked
Someone somewhere was falling in love

It’s turn to face to facedown time
And is this gonna hurt?
I travelled 9000 miles just to give you a light
And I scrabbled in your dirt
But even our sheets are clean now
Our records, slates and thoughts
If you even half-cared, you’d take that rose out of your hair
Wear mourning like you ought
I don’t wanna push, I don’t wanna pull
We rented this room together
But I can’t face being
Tied up in this lover’s knot forever

Gets so stuffy when it comes to this
Makes you feel like breaking
The only way out is to smash down the door
That’s how to kill or cure a heart that’s been aching
But I’ve give everything I own
Just for the grace to be
I’d cut the film before you wore
Your silver lace for me
I don’t wanna push, I don’t wanna pull
We rented this room together
But I can’t face being
Tied up in this lover’s knot forever

There are two sides to every story
And more sides than I can imagine
To every woman and every man
Who ever tried their hand at living

The doors they’re all now closing
The shutter’s drawing too
Don’t think we can move forward from here
But I guess it’s not all up to you
The second hand is frozen
And the minute hand’s sublime
We’re slower than slow motion
How are we going to pass the time
Now we’ve decide that
I don’t wanna push, you don’t wanna pull

We rented this room together
But baby I can’t face being
Tied up in this lover’s knot
No, I don’t wanna push, you don’t wanna pull
We’ve rented this room together